To Self, With Love...

The scent of sugar was oozing from the “seasonal isle” of the local pharmacy and sparkling glitter hung in the air –dislodged from the plethora of Valentine’s Day greeting cards. Searching for just the “right” sentiment, I spent a considerable amount of time reading many beautiful, witty, and clever verses all attempting to express that profound emotion of love. There were cards for husbands, wives, new loves, siblings, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, teachers, bosses and more. Many even proclaiming that alas, you have found the love of your life. None however, were for the most important love – your Self. (Okay granted I for one would not purchase a card for myself). Nonetheless I have realized that the sentiments I so freely bestow on others must first be acknowledged within.

It took a recent ugly (and, in hindsight, silly) argument for me to realize just how discombobulated a relationship can become when I lose my connection with my Self. The details and origin of the disagreement are in fact trivial, yet on that particular day I spewed, I sputtered, and spun myself into an absolute whirling dervish of unleashed emotion and projectile frustration. All the while, the very person I was with (whom is an unyielding presence of love and support) would have benefitted from an emotional biohazard suit! It was as though I boarded a run-away train and lost the breaks. Why?

This painful lesson highlighted my headlong dive into the destructive cycle of “mind chatter.” Rather than listen openly and honestly to what began as a conversation, I began “filling in the blanks” to unanswered questions, and “reading into” things that simply weren’t there. My thoughts were self deprecating and harsh. I began to blame and accuse. An insignificant event triggered a lifetime of preconceived notions, insecurities, and assumptions.

Just as muscle tissue has a memory for repetitive motion, so too does the mind for emotional responses. I needed to develop my own awareness, acknowledge and accept where my sticking points were, and open myself to change. Knowing and loving the essence of my Self allows this process to happen. When I read that next greeting card and recognize that I have “found the love of my life” in my Self, I am then able to truly share that love freely with others.

Doing vs. Being

There is vibrancy to all things “new.” Each time I enter a new relationship, undertake a new job, or establish a new home, I am excited to consider the myriad of possibilities that lie ahead. An expedition of discovery begins. The New Year is no exception, particularly with an eye to the customary New Year’s resolution.

So what does a resolution look like to this yogi? The Wikipedia definition of resolution is: “A commitment to one or more personal goals, projects or reforming of a habit.” It is the reforming (re-form) that speaks to me with a particularly strong voice. For many years I approached resolutions with the belief that I could work through and control most anything – truth be told, I believed I could work through and control everything! This steadfast belief did not apply just to resolutions - it applied to all aspects of my life.

Just as a shark must be in continuous motion to survive, my perceived existence revolved around my notion that the continuous activity of my mind and/or body would keep all my proverbial ducks in a row. Thus it became habit to work ALL the time and think ALL the time in an effort to maintain (the illusion of) control!!! The extent of this pervasive pattern recently came to the forefront of my awareness when I suddenly realized how uncomfortable I felt in the true stillness of mind and body. I realized that even in meditation my mind “thinks” it is working because it is meditating! An awareness arose that without the “doing” I would see my “being” and egad, then
what?

Yes, it is a New Year and time to bring that sense of vibrancy to the re-forming of old habits with a yogic eye. My “resolution” is to cultivate a practice where I find the time to not “do” but rather just “be” and embark on the expedition of Self discovery.

It is "Someday"

December is quickly drawing to a close and it seems as though each year my dear grandmother’s words resound with deafening clarity: “It is Someday.” I remember her admonishment about the passing of time – how it would accelerate exponentially as I grew older. Okay, so that wasn’t exactly how she said it…the words she imparted to a whining, bored, five-year-old desperately wishing for a rainy day to end, went more like: “You just wait, young lady… someday you are going to wish that time didn’t go by so fast.” It is Someday.

What my beloved grandmother didn’t tell me (perhaps because it was obvious and she knew all too well) was that once time is gone, it is gone forever – irrevocably eliminating any opportunity that had been available for me to make a choice in that moment. (Certainly, there is an argument to be made that not making a choice is a choice in and of itself. But this would be true only if the ‘not-choosing’ were a conscious decision!)

I have spent many, many years in my adulthood thoughtlessly and carelessly wishing time away. (“I wish it was the weekend”…”Can’t wait ‘til tomorrow”… etc…) I won’t say “recklessly”, because I haven’t exactly been “living on the edge” in my life. Yet, I complacently relinquished seconds, minutes, hours, days and more believing that the silent passage of time would somehow auto-magically resolve whatever my issues of discontent. Is this not reckless? Moving through life like a jellyfish instead of a salmon?

It is through the Grace of yoga that I’ve been led to a place where time is no longer just “going by.” Asana and especially meditation have provided me with the gift of awareness in my body, in my mind, and more. It is this awareness that has allowed me to be with time, actively engaged in making conscious choices on and off the mat.

I did once wish that time would go by a little faster. Not anymore. It is now Someday.

Running From "The "Blog"

Welcome to The Yoga Within blog. This blog has existed in my imagination for several months now – failing to make many intended publication deadlines for what I’d like to think of as a variety of “reasons.”

One day (when the temperatures were still in the 80’s) Theresa mentioned, “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to have a blog for the studio?” Politely, I responded, “Yes, it would be great!” Theresa then asked, “Would you be willing to write it? Sharing your thoughts and experiences around Svaroopa® yoga? I replied with a hesitant “Sure, but…….”

The litany of “reasons” that followed that was nearly exhaustive! “But, I’ve never written a blog.“ … But how do you actually post a blog?”… ”But what would I say in a blog?”… ”But who would even want to read what I have to write in a blog?”…“But I’m not a writer….”, “You want me to talk about my experiences? Isn’t that rather personal?” (LOL…)

Then, after that line chatter ceased, the passive avoidance began… Theresa would periodically ask, ”So, how’s the blog coming along?” My replies were honest albeit thinly veiled narratives of my resistance… “Oh, it’s getting there….was a busy week”…… “Just having some writer’s block this week” …. “Can’t seem to settle on a topic”…. “Uh, the cat had lots of hair balls that I had to take care of”……. :-/

Things went on for some time in this vein until it was time to publish the November newsletter for the studio. My dear business partner held the line…. “We aren’t going to publish the newsletter until The Blog is ready.” “Oh” was all I managed to utter.

It was time for the avoidance to come to an end. I thought I had been so masterful – politely dancing around the core issue. As a student of Svaroopa® yoga and meditation, I have intellectually and experientially learned that all this avoidance was really resistance… and that my resistance is a manifestation of none other than fear. I have been afraid of The Blog…. (this sounds rather funny - even to me - coming from the thoughts of someone who was a prison administrator for more than two decades!!!) Yes, I’m writing these words for all to see and yes, I am afraid – afraid of the vulnerability, afraid of the transparency, afraid of being judged, afraid of stepping into something new and foreign.

During a recent shopping trip to a local hardware store, I looked up to see a sign: “Illumination Isle 7” …. I laughed – if only it were that easy! Illumination is not in isle 7 – it is within. It is within each of us and the first spark ignites when we face our fears. Fear is a fleet footed competitor that will separate you from your true Self. So, I take a deep breath, face my fear and offer you The Blog.

Namaste,

Karen